Top Ten Things I Learned After 30

This post was first written as a message to a close friend of mine. With a few revisions, it reads as a guide on how to cope with daily life. It's a set of maxims harvested from several media sources, including websites and books. Whenever I read this post, I feel a renewed spirit. So, I figured I should share it with the rest of the blogosphere.

10) In life, there are two paths to success: working hard and being nice.

I enjoy success. I like being successful. But constantly being nice is a real drag. More often than not, I prefer to work really hard. Looking at my career and friendships and how I've invested my efforts to understand myself and to improve the lives of others, diligence has benefited me more so than being polite. In other words, it takes hard work to stay consistent with people, building their trust in me.

9) Organization is key.

Making the effort to schedule, prioritize, and plan for my clients, family, and friends is probably the most mature thing I've ever done. After that, all other tasks (i.e. drawing up lesson plans and running errands) seem to fall into place. Over time, organizing becomes a habit. My thoughts become structured to the point where I'm better able to multi-task and to perform most actions more efficiently and thoughtfully. For example, my conversations run much more smoothly than they did ten years ago.

8) Speak slowly but think quickly

In the past, I had the habit of speaking in a scripted manner where everything I could possibly say had to be rehearsed in my mind beforehand. For example, when arguing a point, I would sometimes keep repeating the same thing over and over again but speak louder and/or faster in hopes this technique would prove me right. Nowadays, I find it easier to listen to someone, think about how I feel about what he/she said, organize what I want to say (how to articulate it), and deliver my response in a timely fashion. I work on this all the time (except for those instances when I've had two or more drinks). It's important to me to listen to others. That way all parties can exchange ideas and learn from each other.

7) The best way to learn is to teach.

To quote from William Glasser:

We Learn . . .
10% of what we read
20% of what we hear
30% of what we see
50% of what we see and hear
70% of what we discuss
80% of what we experience
95% of what we teach others

Here's my theory: Very knowledgeable people, those who stockpile facts in their minds and who spout out information effortlessly are not usually doing it to show off. To them, it's a matter of habit. The more they use these facts in conversation and in writing, the more they'll remember them. So, whenever given the chance, these "smarties" push the conversation to their area of expertise. Which means intelligence is as much a matter of tenacity as it is inherent ability.

6) Persistence is key.

Admittedly, my focus is not always the best; I have a tough time sticking with complicated tasks for any extended period time. Not surprisingly, my focus improves whenever I engage in a cause, person, desire, or principle which I feel is important to me; I become more motivated for a longer period of time. This does wonders for my willingness to perform more mundane tasks (e.g. writing emails). By the way, taking time to share this with you is a good case in point.

5) Caring about others is more rewarding than being cared about.

In whatever relationship, it's great when there is mutual respect and empathy between two people, but I feel that active caring, regardless of reciprocation, is the best way to learn selflessness and humility. This makes it easier for me, in particular, to handle any type of authority, whether it comes from a government, a religion, a person, or even my physiology.

4) Listen to your body.

My body, the one authority I never question, is my primary guide for living in the moment. For example, if my sinuses feel clogged, I'm stressed. Tightness in the chest? I'm really stressed. Sharp ping of shock running through my nervous system? I'm feeling embarrassed. Warm fuzzy feeling in my lower abdominal region? I'm feeling great. In order to prepare for these sensations, some of which make me feel whole and others which tear me apart, I invest time into chronicling any and all perceived inner stimuli, physical or otherwise.

3) Music is what feelings sound like.

Sometimes, when I get emotional, music pops into my head and it doesn't stop until I tie that song to a specific person. Sinatra and Dean Martin belong to my college roommates. The Beatles belong to my little sister. When these songs pop up, I try not to indulge in them, but tie them to a specific person instead. It's a good way of knowing when and why I feel emotional.

2) What annoys me about others, annoys me about myself.

There's no quicker way of figuring out what makes me tick than figuring out what ticks me off. When someone annoys me ( e.g. by being late, unmotivated, apathetic, or disorganized), I flashback to the time when I annoyed myself with that same behavior. When this happens, I first pat myself on the back for being more disciplined now than in the past and then I try to calm down. I don't preclude myself from getting to know the “annoying person” better.

1) People are meant to be understood.

The only person I can judge or fix is myself. Everyone else, I simply try to understand. For, inevitably, there will come a time when a friend or a long-term client does something, I feel, is really dumb or idiosyncratic, something that really gets under my skin. If I'm still confused, after analyzing the circumstantial, psychological, biological, and sociological reasons for their behavior, I throw away my logic, embrace my humanity, and accept the fact that I care about them.

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Personal Relationships: Boundaries

Someone recently brought to my attention that I might rely too heavily on forming boundaries with other people. This post is to discuss that claim. It will also discuss the people in my life, the roles they play, and the boundaries I've set for them.

When I think of boundaries, especially with my personal relationships, I get this image of drawing a line in the sand. To me, it suggests having a this-is-my-space-that-is-yours mentality. I picture myself curling up in a ball within my own little circle, ready to unleash pure hell if someone dares to wonder into my space. It makes me seem timid and shy. This, however, is not the case.

Five years ago, I was quite undisciplined when it came to personal relationships. I used to have a diverse set of friends and coworkers whom I would follow no matter what. If they wanted me to go to a movie, build their website, lend them money, or work all night long, I would do it and with little hesitation. Why? Because I was not focused on my own happiness. I had no idea when to say "no", even when I knew the movie would be boring, the website complicated, the loan unpaid, or my productivity compromised.

Today, I still find it difficult to draw boundaries. I realized how necessary they are, especially with children, professional colleagues, and family members. However, I've been exploring another, more natural way of defining personal relationships.

Every person who is an active part of my life has a specific role in it, such as friend, client, or sibling. The roles conform to my freelancing lifestyle and I prioritize them according. For example, I have fun going out to a movie with my theater friends, but I would never get involved in one of their drama projects. That's too far outside of their role in my life. Even though I may have fun with them, I prevent myself from being pulled into their professional ambitions.

I would say that this gives me a good framework for living an independent lifestyle, one that I thoroughly enjoy.

Form vs Function

Louis Sullivan once wrote:

"It is the pervading law of all things organic and inorganic,
Of all things physical and metaphysical,
Of all things human and all things super-human,
Of all true manifestations of the head,
Of the heart, of the soul,
That the life is recognizable in its expression,
That form ever follows function. This is the law."

Life is a work of art. Most perfectionist, intelligent, creative-types like me share this opinion. In my past years, I spent most of my energy chiseling out different personas of myself. One for each aspect of my complicated personality. Each one tagged with a label (“son”, “actor”, “engineer”, ”boyfriend“, ”ivy-leaguer“) to make it easier for others to understand me. Each one minimizing the constant battle between my deep-rooted beliefs and my conscious actions. Each one based primarily on my distorted misconceptions of human nature and devoid of my own needs and desires.

During times of weakness, when my vulnerabilities overwhelmed my sensibilities and I was forced to unmask my true nature, I came to the following conclusion:

There is life the way I see it. FORM.

Then there is life the way I live it. FUNCTION.

Prioritizing function over form has definitely helped me discover and focus on my personal needs. As a note, many successful people share this philosophy.

Living by form means embracing sights, sounds, reactions, perceptions, games, money, jargon, and jokes needed to pass the time.

Living by function is embracing all of the actions, steps, instructions, analysis, regimens, diets, habits, hormones, feelings and traditions needed to create a fulfilling life.

Living a life of form we make assumptions.

Living a life of function we make conclusions.

Living a life of form we make mistakes.

Living a life of function we have misunderstandings.

Living a life of form we give into infatuation.

Living a life of function we give into love.

Living a life of form we focus on those who care about us.

Living a life of function we focus on those who we care about.

Living a life of form we create and destroy.

Living a life of function we maintain.

Living a life of form we ask “Where am I going?”

Living a life of function we ask “How do I get there?”

Living a life of form we ask “Who can help me?”

Living a life of function we ask “Why would he help me?”

Living a life of form we ask “When am I going to leave my job?”

Living a life of function we ask “Why am I still working here?”

Once we decide to prioritize the function of life over form, we start to take action by challenging, interacting and engaging the people and events around us. Through experience, we get a better sense of our strengths and weaknesses as well as our place in the world. We start taking responsibility for our actions and build the emotional fortitude necessary to move forward. Furthermore, we build confidence within ourselves, earn respect from others, and learn how to nurse our dreams to the point where we actively change the world around us.

However, it all starts with the willing sacrifice of shutting out those sensory distractions long enough to truly understand our psyche.

Making major life decisions

If you're anything like me, at some point in the past you may have found it difficult making life-altering decisions. Either you couldn't rely on advice of friends/family or felt you couldn't put all the pros and cons together to make an informed choice. Regardless, you felt lost, unmotivated, and frustrated. If you're the type of person who can argue both sides of any issue, has a close connection to your family, avoids conflict like the plague, or has a problem with commitment, this post is for you.

I want to talk about a specific type of monumental choice. One warranting deep, introspective reflection and thought(e.g. changing religion or switching careers). First off, I only want to talk about choices that are solely yours to make. The outcome should only directly affect you. Secondly, the results should be totally unpredictable. If you are satisfied at all, you may only feel partially content with the outcome. Also, the problem should not be life-threatening. It should come from a certain restlessness or need for you to grow as a person.

Here are several strategies for making character-building choices:

1)Make mistakes on your own terms. Making a long-shot decision based on your personal beliefs, may be a complete mistake, but at least it will build up your self-esteem in that you'll learn to stand by your convictions.

2)Do the opposite. I'm a big fan of this strategy. Whenever you don't have the time to decide, take the risk. Choose the path less traveled and embark on an experience you've never tried before.

3)Follow your heart. Stay in touch with you emotions. Try creating an inventory of emotional memories. Remember the last time your were angry, frustrated, elated and depressed? What thoughts were going on in your mind? What constructive actions did you want to take? Why not go through with them?

4)Don't think too much. If you find yourself thinking in circles, there's probably an emotional element that you're not taking into consideration. Take time out. Meditate. Come to terms with your emotions and clear your mind. You'll feel better.

5)Isolate yourself. Don't worry about making choices that others might disapprove of. This is a truly personal matter. Justifying a personal choice to others is a waste of precious mental energy. In my experience, the people who don't listen to you or can't/don't understand your actions, are not going to be emotionally supportive anyway.

6)Make a multiple plans. If Plan A doesn't work, try plan B. If you can't make a choice, try all of them. If you have the time and money, why not?

7)What would a person you love and admire do? Most people have someone they respect, but if you're lucky enough to have someone you regard with awe and wonder, look at the way they live their lives. Note: Be careful not to compare yourself to this person. Comparing yourself to another and admiring a person are two different things. One is a self-aggrandizing/self-deprecating mental checklist while the other is a positive emotional connection.


Remember:
Take action, learn from your mistakes, take responsibility for yourself, but most importantly stay focused!

How To Unpack Emotional Baggage

When I first moved to Tokyo, I found myself getting lost quite often. I once tried to locate a Kinko’s store in the heart of the city, but instead spent an hour wondering aimlessly through a maze of unmarked city blocks. Before I left my home, I made sure I wrote down the trio of numbers pinpointing the location of that particular business (5-22-1 Shinjuku). When I got off the train, I tried to use the area maps located near the station, but unlucky for me, they were all in Kanji. After spending five minutes standing mystified in front of the map, I decided to do what any red-blooded American guy would do: "wing it". After about half an hour and as I was walking by the exact spot I'd been just 10 minutes ago, I was thoroughly confused and cursing under my breath.

I was feeling a bit annoyed with myself, but I quelled my anxiety by taking a moment to embrace the scene around me. I thought to myself, “I’m in Japan. For the first time in my life, I’m living in another country.” As I soaked it all in, I glanced at the faces of the people hurriedly walking by me. There was such an embedded calmness in their eyes and an innate serenity in their manner. It was contagious.

My swift change of emotional focus, from frustration to sublime acceptance, exposed past frustrations of mine. Frustrations involving my mother. This came in the form of her boisterous voice which my mind played back to me like I was listening to a CD. It was a distinct, very clear, disheartening, belligerent, frightening, and all too familiar voice. My mother was very hot-tempered and during times of confusion or disbelief would belt out a series of expletives to anyone within earshot.

For a split second, it felt as if she was eerily right behind me. And what disgusted me even more was just moments before, I was unconsciously cursing under breath in the same way. My words and inflections definitely had her signature.

Next, I had an epiphany. I couldn’t imagine that behavior existing in Japan. Furthermore, I couldn’t imagine that attitude helping me on my journey to enlightenment. So, I simply expelled that negative energy into the vastness of the universe.

My ultimate goal is clarity of mind through distillation of temperament. I embrace moments when my mind verbally, visually, or kinesthetically rewinds back to some discrete defining moment in my past. I view reliving these moments as not just a release of anxiety, but as a deeper form of healing that strengthens my emotional well-being.

By clearing my mind of these past disaffections, I’m better able to moderate my train of thought. I’m able to conserve my mental energies and apply them to less primal and more constructive ideas.

Visualization: The Peak Performance Tool

I remember my life as a performer/programmer in NJ. I spent most of my nights singing dancing and acting while I spent the day meticulously wading through programming code.

I remember, before a show, I’d usually find myself in a hectic, noisy dressing room with actors who were either singing to themselves, reciting lines to themselves, or, worse yet, complaining to themselves.

I remember sneaking out of this room and venturing out to the only quiet place in the entire theater: the stage itself. I was so amazed at how a place that could hold such drama, applause, music, and laughter could be so noiseless right before showtime.

In this place, I made it a ritual to visualize my role in the show and to virtually walk through all of my scenes. I’d take time to practice my lines and visualize myself as the character. I’d practice standing in my spots on stage while pausing every now and then to gaze at the empty house. I would imagine the seats full of nameless faces staring at me. I’d feel a slight twinge of fear quickly followed by a sublime calmness brought on by my understanding of the need to focus.

Doing this helped me become a better performer. However, it did not always relieve my anxiety and fear. For example, if I started to panic for whatever reason, my performance would go downhill fast. Once my focus was gone, my mind became a blank slate. Most people call it as stage fright.

To prevent “stage fright” in actual real life situations, I used to prepare in quite the same way. I would visualize the people, the place, the talk and the activity and think about all the different scenarios I’d encounter. I would then give myself a short list of actions and recitations thereby usually guaranteeing a favorable or, at worst, disappointing outcome.

Then something in me changed.

Three years ago, I found out (much to my dismay) that visualization is not the cure-all to life’s problems. Even worse it was preventing me from growing as a person. I sheltered myself from feeling the full breadth of emotional sensations and only knew a sliver of the emotional spectrum.

Known to me: Favorable through Disappointing.
Unknown to me: Ecstatic through Devastating.

Three years ago, I took the first excruciating steps to exposing my mind to this new reality of mine.

How did I do this? I resolved to use visualization as a tool (to perfect action) and not as an instigator (to initiate or force action). It meant that I had to go into new situations only prepared with my wisdom, my principles, and my passions.

I’ll actually write more about this in another post.

What did I learn? More than I could have imagined. I’m learning how to motivate, teach, anticipate, sympathize, argue, and convince other people. More importantly I keep learning more and more about how to let go of my constant fear of failure.

Again.....I’ll talk about this in another post.

It’s been a year since I’ve performed on stage and I don’t really miss it. Treating life as a grand experience, sincerely interacting with others, and taking emotional risks have been just as, if not more, rewarding then the sound of applause.

The Genius and Career Evolution

In my travels all over the world, I’ve befriended many free-spirited, socially awkward, loving, analytical people. The personalities and predispositions of these individuals were much like my own, but they exuded a kind of disciplined intensity that I felt sorely lacking in my life. These are people whom I admire and try to emulate.

I want to use this post to draw out a hypothetical career path of a gifted person. It'll show how motivations develop over the course of a person's life time and how one's perception of the world changes over time. Note: The job titles are more of a state of mind than an actual position title.

The Mathematician

• Learns how to analyze given data within a given context. Creates formulas and strategies to deal with a fairly defined and private world including the inner workings of the self.
• Loves to close out the world. Reclusive. Looks for the perfect solution to any problem.
• At times, overwhelmed by feelings of distress when encountering a problem that’s beyond his control. Usually brought about by an abrupt realization that his outer and inner worlds are not finite, but hold a boundless number of emotional, sensual and physical possibilities.
• Chooses to master the endless possibilities of the outer world.

The Artist

• Learns how to embrace the details of the world in the form of structures, colors, sounds, physical feelings, but not necessarily emotion.
• Discovers his aptitude for creativity.
  
• Perception switches from “right and wrong” to “good and bad”.
• Proactive in recreating the sensual essences of the known world.
• Sensual expression leads to a higher emotional understanding. Has a strong desire to love self. Starts studying the sensual essence of human beings.
• Has a sincere need to express their creativity in a responsible and focused fashion.
• Chooses to master the endless possibilities of their inner world.

The Teacher

• Learns how to open up to others. Letting their guard down. Appreciating others for who they are thereby feeling the first surges of unconditional love.
• Develops their intuition. Exercises flexibility. Learns to be patient with others and self.
• Perception switches from introspection to action. From “good and bad” to “cause and effect”.
• Gains communication skills by speaking in terms others can understand. Packaging ideas for general consumption.
• Gains great satisfaction from spreading their vision of the world to others, but feels the need to learn more for themselves. Looking for a balance between serving self and serving others.
• Chooses to test their perceptions against the perceptions of others.

The Salesman

• Utilizes strategies, creativity, and people skills to express opinions to peers.
• Learns how to genuinely motivate others by compromising and speaking in terms they want to hear.
• Strengthens optimism by finding creative ways to overcome obstacles. Has the ability to deal with failure on a dramatic scale.
• Perception switches from “cause and effect” to conviction and determination.
• Feels the need for financial freedom. Wants to lead others.
• Chooses to put their experience to work.

The Entrepreneur

• Fully proactive in bringing his vision to the world. Independent and self-sufficient. Understands his place in the world.

Again, this is only a hypothetical path, but it also represents my life's journey. Right now, I'm securely in the world of teaching and looking to ascend to the level of salesman.

If you're dynamic, ambitious, and mentally gifted.....If you're currently looking to change careers....or if you're searching for a life's purpose......I hope this post helps you along your way.

A Vision Of Balance

Goodness Graciousness started a 'Hold the Vision' tag-fest. She wrote:

I invite you to blog about your vision of what is possible. If it feels comfortable for you, create a post describing how you would envision the world if it could be healed in its most perfect state. Take a minute to create an imagine in your mind, and share with your readers, what a healthy world would look like. And then tag all your readers with a similar tag!

Thanks to Katinka Hesselink for tagging me!!!

My vision of a healthy world? Well..when I envision a healthy world I think of harmony. Furthermore, when I think of a harmonious world, I think of balance. And when I think of balance, I can safely say this is NOT it:

This commentary appeared in International Herald Tribune on September 14, 2005.
In a trend fraught with troubling political and social implications, China will soon find itself with a marriage-age population remarkably out of balance, with about 23 million more young men than women available for them to marry in this decade and the next — what demographers term a "marriage squeeze."

This trend disturbs me and shows how problems in a non-progressive society can snowball into larger ones.

My ideal is a world where out-dated sentiments and power structures are rethought, dismantled and retooled to fit within the economic, social, and ecological needs of the global community. This includes NATO, the G8, the UN, the U.S. Electoral College, religious beliefs, immigration laws, marriage laws, and much more. I’m not saying that one nation, group or culture should completely subjugate themselves to the common will. But my vision is one where people are treated first and far most like human beings.

In my harmonious world, everyone has taken their own personal journey to a higher state of consciousness. They have looked within themselves to connect with the soul of the universe. During the process, they have discovered the importance of balancing their own desires with the well-being of their surroundings. Here are a few standard personality traits of the people in my ideal world.

Appreciation: They love themselves as much as they love others. They deeply appreciate themselves and try to make authentic connections with others. A person in my world holds their heart open because they know they’re appreciated for their mind, actions, and values more so than their race, gender, or sexual preference, etc...

Respect: They have respect for laws and rules, but more importantly they have respect for themselves and others.

Temperance: They give back as much as they take emotionally, financially..but especially..ecologically . In my ideal world, people treat their bodies like temples and they know how to treat the planet the same way.

Courage: They feel fear, but won’t submit to it. Any disagreement, injustice, international incident, epidemic, disaster, catastrophe that comes along will be met by the powers that be with a sincere will to help those in need. Everyone will take comfort in the fact that their problems are shared and felt by everyone.

My ideal world will balance the use of technologies, economics, societies, cultures, ecosystems. Also, each individual will realize they are a part of a community much larger than their own. Not because they see it, but because they feel it. I believe today we mentally treat the world and its people much like we treat ourselves. So in my ideal world, every person will sincerely love him/herself thereby making the world a better place.

I'm tagging http://inspirationalawareness.blogspot.com/

Brain Physics

I pride myself on constantly thinking of ways to take disparate ideas from academic, spiritual and/or artistic disciplines to try and derive parallels between them. In doing so I hope to construct more abstract rules/laws/commandments that simplify the world as I know it.

Let's take high school physics. I enjoyed taking physics. I gained an understanding of the world ( force, momentum, energy, mass, etc.) I never knew before. However, I very rarely use that knowledge today. I mean I really haven’t tried to predict the trajectory of a cannon ball in ages. Have you?

I try to recycle some of these nuggets of knowledge and apply them to my favorite pastime: self – improvement. How do I take two disparate areas of study and make them play nice together? Yes, you guessed it. Using analogies.

Example:
Let’s take the physics of an object moving in one direction. It has a position, velocity, and acceleration. In order for an object to change it’s position, it must have some velocity. If it wants to increase its velocity, it must use some acceleration.

Just to clarify, imagine an old hound dog sleeping on a porch. It just lies there. It’s position is constant. It doesn’t move. It has no velocity or acceleration.

Now suppose it wakes up to go for a walk with its owner. Since it’s on a leash, it walks at the same pace as it’s master. It walks at a constant velocity.

Now suppose it sees a squirrel running up a tree. It immediately dashes forward to chase the squirrel. It suddenly changes it’s velocity and that is acceleration.

Do you see where I’m going with this?
The mind has a position also known as your state of mind. If it’s constant it’s just like the old dog slumped on the porch. It’s asleep and does not move. Have you ever been in a state of depression, confusion, bliss, or shock? How did free your mind? For me, I kick my brain into gear. The best way to relieve the blues is to use critical thinking.

The mind has a velocity which is its train of thought. If the thoughts are focused, constant, and consistent (critical thinking) it’s just like the old dog on a leash. It keeps the same pace as its master. If it's not, it's more like the dog meandering from tree to tree and sniffing the ground for whatever dogs sniff the ground for.

The mind has acceleration also known as passion. If it’s there, it’s just like the old dog chasing after the squirrel. It doesn’t care about keeping pace with it’s master. It sees what it wants and goes for it.

So what am I getting at?
If you want to change the state of your mind, you have to move your mind (read: think).

If you want to think faster, you must accelerate your mind. This usually occurs when you pursue a passion. Your obsession increases the amount of information you take in, your comprehension, and your productivity. This is the essence of becoming smarter.

Once you start to accelerate, your velocity starts to kick into high gear. You train your mind to perform tasks that were seemingly impossible before. Such as increasing your typing speed, remembering names, working longer, multi-tasking, etc…

Once this happens, then your mind is free to chase squirrels.

How I Conquer Fear

They say fear is a primal,defensive reaction to the external forces around us. Here's how dealingwithfear explains it.

We have many fears-fear of terrorism, fear of death, fear of being separated from people we love, fear of losing control, fear of commitment, fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of losing our job, the list is never-ending! Many of our present fears are rooted in what Buddha identified as "delusions" - distorted ways of looking at ourselves and the world around us. If we learn to control our mind, and reduce and eventually eliminate these delusions, the source of all our fear-healthy and unhealthy-is eradicated.

I’ve always made it a point in my life to see fear for what it truly is and conquer it.

For instance, when I was a child, I was always scared of making a fool of myself in public. I was afraid of being singled me out and being labeled as different. I found myself becoming very reclusive. This I didn’t want. So, I decided to take action! Here’s how I fought my fear:

• I took drama classes in high school and college.
• After graduating college, I performed as a dancer, actor, singer musicals throughout NYC and NJ
• I moved to a city of my choosing, San Diego, without knowing anyone.
• I moved to a foreign country,Japan, without knowing the language.
  
• I became an ESL teacher

However, it’s only now that I’m realizing my deepest fear: fear of the unknown.

Now more than ever, I’m speaking my mind. Taking chances. Loving others. Learning things on my own.

With initiative, there comes risk. With risk, there’s bound to be mistakes. And I’ve made plenty of mistakes. Especially in front of others. Too many to speak of. It’s my fear that each smirk or frown that I see will lead to some form of retribution or rejection. I’m afraid of what others might do to me. I’m afraid of what goes on in the their minds. This is unknown to me.

The only remedy for fear that I’ve found works every time is love. So, whenever I come across a situation that petrifies me to the core, I take action. I face the problem head on. I think of how love fits into situation.

Next, I act as an ambassador of love. I try to put myself in the shoes of others and I try giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. This usually works.

Fear is the absence of love.

Do You Know Your Brain? Left vs Right

I’ve always been fascinated with the study of the brain. I’m especially interested in the differences between the two hemispheres: the left and right. They are complete opposites when it comes to learning, taking in new information, and making decisions. Here is a brief description:

The left uses symbols, words, numbers, and anything concrete. It works efficiently and shrewdly. It learns sequentially and logically. It’s predictable and knowledgeable.

The right? It’s perceptive. Intuitive. Random. A swirl of feelings, sensations, and ideas. Holistic. Spatial. It’s the source of imagination. Silent.

My personal definition:
The left brain understands the world; the right brain understands the universe.

Think about our lives here on Earth. We thrive on communication. We perfected the art of acronyms, protocols, languages, and codes. In our hi-tech society, instantaneous knowledge is the norm. We’re sequential. We live by production cycles, 12-step programs, career paths, assembly lines, and instruction booklets. We’re logical. We make decisions based on statistics, economic indices, point spreads, and interest rates. We’re predictable. We’re born, go to school, work, marry, have children and die. This is the life of a left-brainer.

Now imagine that you pause for a slight moment to look up at the night sky. You study it. You ponder the vastness of it all and how creatures as relatively tiny as us fit into the picture.

You are curious. You feel the irresistible need to search for the source of and reason for all things: life, eternity, the universe. You instinctively know that the answer lies somewhere out there. The only way to satisfy your curiosity is to explore the vastness out there. To go as far as your mind and imagination will take you.

You are creative. Focused and self-sacrificing, you learn how to travel across the universe by warping space and time. Though you can only do this for a brief time, you’re thoroughly confident in your skills. You also know that this will take many tries. Not just one. And for each journey, you pick a star. Any one will do. As soon as you’ve chosen a handful, you use these celestial orbs as indispensable guides for the most exhilarating trips of your life.

You are courageous. You summon up the strength and determination to venture into the unknown. You leave behind all that you know and love. Traveling hundreds of thousands of millions of miles, you feel like you belong to eternity.

You are depressed. At times you find yourself drifting through the deepest and darkest regions of space. Devoid of any fiery haven or celestial glow. It’s a vacuum that’s 200 degrees colder than anything the Earth has ever known.

You are angry. At times your dreams collapse under their own weight and blows up into nonexistence. The same goes for the star you chose for this journey of yours. The celestial orb spontaneously explodes right before your eyes. It can the most intense sight in the entire galaxy. With the power of hundreds of billions of suns, it engulfs any heavenly body within its vast reach. Even planets dependant on it for life are abruptly dissolved or scorched forever.

You are at peace. Every so often you find a star that’s the center of an unlikely paradise. An oasis in the midst of darkness. A sort of sanctuary all to yourself. This is what you’ve desperately hoped for. This is where you thrive.

Then comes the time when you must return to Earth. You don’t have the power to live outside of the world forever. At least not yet. You slowly begin to prepare yourself. It seems to take much more courage going back than it did when you started.

When you finally arrive back on Earth, nothing’s really changed much. Except you. This is the life of a right-brainer.

I’m a right-brainer. Which side are you on?

How To Overcome Slowness

“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.”
Henry David Thoreau

When I was eight, I remember riding in a car with other Cub Scouts. My Cub Master was driving us home after an event at a local church. Before we started the trip, I remember giving him general directions to my home. But as we neared my house, he asked me a question that still haunts me to this day: “Should I turn left or right?” At that moment, my mind went blank. I was shocked and baffled. One second I was talking and laughing with my friends and the next I was solely responsible for the immediate destiny of the car and all its occupants. I felt like Captain Kirk on the Starship Enterprise. All eyes in the car were on me and I was (and still am) horrible with directions.

Why does it haunt me?

After some stuttering, I murmered, “I think it’s to the left.” I could tell my lack of confidence annoyed the driver. He commented, “Don’t you know where you live?” to which I replied with a nervous laugh, “Yeah! Sure!”

That was on the surface. Underneath I wasn’t too happy with myself. “How could I be so dumb? So slow?” “What was I thinking?” “I’m 8 years old and I can’t tell my right from my left.”

I knew at an early age that being smart means keeping one's mind focused. Unfortunately, I was using the only technique known to me at the time. Only later did I find out the technique damaged my self-image.

Over the years, I’ve learned that the only difference between a mind regarded as slow and one regarded as quick is its level, frequency, and duration of focus. If you’re upset, hungry, anxious, love-starved or sleepy, then you’re going to be unfocused. However, if you have a clear head, healthy body, and free spirit, you’re most likely quick-witted. A focused mind thinks in a manner that is not random and not impulsive. It’s articulate, decisive, and knowledgeable.

What does it take to become smart?

In one word, consistency. But I’ll leave that topic for another post.

In my case, my thinking is crystal clear at times, but more often than not it’s definitely fuzzy and uncentered. Take the story from above. My priority as an 8 year old was not to give street directions to others. So I never really practiced telling my left from my right. Of course today, I can quickly give others directions (usually by gesturing with my hands), but I still have higher, more pressing thoughts and feelings going on inside my head. I believe I am smart, but it’s more of an internal intelligence. I have the uncanny ability of controlling my temper, my appetite, and my alertness. I am the captain of my ship. Again, much like Captain Kirk.

The Balance Of Love

Imagine the situation:

You’ve just arrived home from work. Much later than you had hoped. You walk into your bedroom and see your spouse lying in bed fast asleep. After getting ready for bed, you lean over to give your loved one a kiss. A little something to make up for the hours not spent together. She wakes up, turns over and smiles. You exchange small talk about the day. Then, out of nowhere “the thing” is mentioned. You always try to avoid talking about "the thing". “The thing” is what you hate talking about. “The thing” is what makes your relationship really complicated. You’re too exhausted to talk about “the thing”. What started off as a small kiss on the cheek turns into an emotional battle of wits.

What is “The Thing”?
In the story above, “the thing” is definitely something that makes your lover very unhappy with you. It could be anything. Not returning a phone call. Breaking a promise. Spending too much time at work. Showing up late.

Deep down inside you know talking about “the thing” is necessary. You're glad that someone cares about you enough to argue with you. She does it because she loves you.

What is “The Beast”?
It’s a symbol of love. Just like a peck on the cheek. Just like saying “sweetie.” But it's love wrapped in a different package. A more sinister one. It may even take the form of anger and/or frustration.

There is a balance to showing a loved one how much you care about them. The passion of love is made up of both hate and love. The more love you experience; the more hate there can be. The more hate there is; the greater the love.

Let me apply that thought to the purposes of this blog: self-actualization. Self love is my goal. I know in order to love myself I must find that which makes me happy. When I started out 3 years ago, I didn’t know what I loved. Now I know better. How? I didn’t find it out by asking myself about my loves. I did it by asking myself about my hates. Life is as much about looking for “the beast” as much as it is looking for “the beauty”.

When I was in high school, I was scared to death of talking to others. I was fine talking to a person one-on-one, but didn’t fair so well in a group. So, I decided to take a theater class. I forced myself to speak in front of a large group of people.

I did something that I originally hated to do. But now, I’m totally fine with performing in front of hundreds of people. A small group of 4 people….hmmm…..that’s a different story.

Do what you hate. Then do what you love.

What Is Intelligence?

Dictionary.com defines intelligence as:

the ability to comprehend; to understand and profit from experience

Okay. Great. Now that we've taken care of the formalities, here’s my personal definition of intelligence.

I believe most people are born with the potential to be intelligent. At a very young age:

• We have the ability to take in the sensations of the world.
• We have the ability to recognize what we see, taste, touch, feel, and smell.
• We have the ability to relate them to our past experiences.
• We have the ability to store them in our memories.
• We have the ability to reproduce or recall them.
• We also have the ability to control our reaction to them.

This is what I call the Intelligence Cycle. Here’s a solid example:

Say you’re walking by a pastry shop on your way home from work. You smell the aroma as you glance into the store. The mixture of pleasant shock and delight sends your head spinning. For a moment you’re in ecstasy. For just a second you ponder walking into the shop and picking out your favorite delicacy. Then you snap back to reality. Remember your diet. Remember your budget. Remember your time. You promise yourself that you’ll bake a cake this weekend.

At first glance, you might think of it as a sequence. I think of it as a cycle. It’s the cycle of learning. Once you reach the finally step. Once you’re able to control your reactions you want to increase the detail, the frequency, and the intensity of the sensation.

After smelling the pastries in the shop. You might want to compare the smell to your own baking. You might want to find “reasons” to walk by the shop more often. You might want to walk inside to get a better small. All this is the learning cycle. Raising desire through temptation. Embracing your senses. Realizing your intelligence. Making yourself smarter.

On the other hand, you could stop all the fuss and buy one freakin’ doughnut. What would it hurt? It takes very little time, little money, and you’re not on a diet. I know there’s the “little things add up” argument. For example, small but frequent expenses DO add up. But I don’t care about that as much.

I do care about your mind. It’s really quite easy for anyone to short-circuit the intelligence cycle. Impulse buying jumps from step one to step six. It will waste most of your mental potential. It’s a potential that I’m sure will bring a good amount of success and contentment to your life.

Self-Parenting And Dating

Young boys want to marry their mother. Young girls think their father can do no wrong. As a child I also shared the same fantasy. My parents were my idea of perfection. My only ideal. It was easy to love them. How could I not?

Between then and now something happened. My parents only pretended to be perfect. They were afraid and scared, but they never shared their feelings. They were frustrated and angry, but never talked about their dreams. That’s when I knew I had to look inside of myself for answers.

I've had success using basic reasoning skills to answer my own questions. On the flip side, I also have a nasty habit of asking more questions after the first one is answered. Here's one that sticks out in my mind.

Why do I keep dating women like my mother?
The answer is simple: the Oedipus complex.

How do I resolve this issue?
Unfortunately, I needed some assistance for this one. I needed the help of a certain type of woman and I did find her. Over time I actually found about a dozen just like her. These women were as strong, as good-looking, as hyperactive, and as emotionally unstable as my mother. They were oblivious to what I was doing. At the time, I was oblivious to what I was doing. But it is working. I call the technique “Oedipal Vaccination”. It takes a while to kick in. I’ve been using it for about 3 years now.

Here’s some background:
They say there are 3 aspects to a good relationship:

• intimacy
• passion
• commitment

I would say my parents had the commitment, and to some degree the passion but there was no sign of intimacy. Most good marriages have signs of all three, but the levels may vary over the years.

How does it start?
Anyway, along comes a complete stranger who cast from the same mold as my mother. My mind is transported back to when my world was young. I feel invigorated. She reminds me so much of my mother. I look past all the warning signs. I get closer. I've dated woman just like her in the past. This time it’ll be different, right?

What do I do?
I know the strength of desire (passion) and not making empty promises (commitment) can spark a relationship. I hold off on those two and focus on sharing my feelings with her (intimacy). Especially the feelings I have for her. That’s about it. Nothing else.

Why do I do this?
I always found it hard to express my feelings to the ones I care about the most.
So, it’s a way of my rewiring my mind. I want to change my personal definition of closeness from insatiable passion and blind commitment to honest intimacy.

Is it fair to the women I date?
In short, no. I don’t think it is. But I have to do it. It’s what I need to do to grow. The way I see it ,I have three choices:

• Do nothing. I could have stayed at home dreaming about her. However dating is a priority in my life. This is not an option.
• Become her friend (not opening my heart to her). I’ve tried this. It's good for a while. But I usually get bored after a while. The friendship dies off.
• Try my best to woo her. Here’s the thing….My best method of persuasion right now is telling her how I feel. If that’s not good enough, I’ll move on. Besides, I think it’s important for a woman to know how special she is.

This post is not about finding a life-long partner. It’s about what I’ve done to find myself. I want to redefine my life-long idea of perfection. I want my logical and emotional minds to see the same reality.

The bottom line. I live through my beliefs. I respect my feelings more than I respect the feelings of others. The more I realize my feelings, the more realize who I am. The more I realize myself, the more I understand others. That’s what I call the Golden Cycle.

If you’re caught in an endless cycle of failed relationships (I’ve had three), experiment with your dating habits. Shorten the cycle. Look for the warning signs. Not only in other people, but also yourself. Don’t be afraid of missing “The One”. Believe in yourself. Believe that YOU are “The One”. You’ll find “The Future Spouse Of The One” once you find yourself.

Self-Parenting and Promises

Did you ever make promises to yourself? I'm not talking about anything small.

"I had a really hard day at work. When I get home, I'm just gonna curl up on the couch, flip on the TV and have a pint of my favorite ice cream."

I'm talking about major life promises. I'm talking about the kind of promise you'd hear from your father.

"I'll never let anyone hurt you."

Or how about your mother?

"I'll always be here for you."

Today you're an adult. You're no longer your parents' responsibility. However if your parents are anything like mine, they'd try their darnedest to keep the promises they made to you when you were just a toddler sitting on their lap. Their promises are forever.

Part of being an adult is making these "forever" promises to yourself AND keeping them forever. They usually start with:

"I'll never..."
"I'll always..."
"I'll do everything in my power to..."

For me, they're not trivial. I only make up rules that improve the state of my mind or body. These are rules for my life. If I were a nation, they'd be in my constitution. A code of laws to govern myself. They give me a sense of responsibility over my own actions. They show me the way whenever I'm confused. Since I will never break a promise to myself, they also make me feel secure. That kind of warm-blanket-teddy-bear-under-the-chin secure.

I hope you find "forever" rules that you can always follow. I believe the more rules you make for yourself, the happier you'll be.

One of my favorite rules is:
"I'll always tell my loved one how I feel about her."

Am I selfish?

First of all, I'd like to thank those who have read my blog in the past; your feedback is greatly appreciated. Professional obligations and lack of inspiration have prevented me from writing new posts, but fortunately, I've come up with an idea which I'd like to share.  You can expect more posts this summer, but first:  

Am I selfish?

It's hard for me to relate to my parents.  Only one of them attended college, a small Division I-A school in the heart of the most impoverished state in America. Higher education was important to them, but only a few members of my family graduated from college.  As for me?  I attended and graduated from an Ivy League school.  

Beyond the academics, the most challenging part was earnestly pursuing a life beyond my parent's imagination.  The more I learned, the more my reality differed from that of my parents'.  My extensive traveling, starting a business, and appreciating the arts were all activities mainly foreign to them.  Am I selfish for taking more pride in my education than in the way I was raised? 

No, I’m not.

I’m a happier, more productive and confident person when I believe in myself and my accomplishments.  

I know that.

So, with limited familial support, I keep pursuing my goals, fulfilling my ambitions, and keeping myself motivated and focused. It's been difficult, but over the years, I’ve developed an emotional memory system to keep me on track.  I periodically suffer from incapacitating emotional stress, leaving me unfocused and unproductive for hours at a time.  My system acts as a psychological compass, allowing me to persist even during the most disheartening times.

I hope to share this system with you in the future.      

Life Lexicon

Welcome to my blog! It will inspire those who seek motivation, calm those who seek comfort, and assist those who seek truth. If you're a self-help junkie, then this blog is for you.

With this blog, I want to explore the human psyche. I want to question the things that psychologists and self-help gurus believe. The goal here is not to discredit them. Not exactly. I just want to look at their suggestions from a different point of view. My point of view.

My life. Well...it's been a crazy journey. Here's a brief resume:

• Ivy League Graduate
• Kindergarten Chess Instructor
• Eagle Scout
• Software Engineer
• Actor/Singer/Dancer
• English Teacher In Japan

I've been lucky enough to know some very exceptional human beings during my lifetime. The Rich and The Religious. The Honest and The Hypocritical. The Ambititous and The Apathetic. The Wily and The Wise. I've learned a good amount about myself through these people.

I dedicate this blog to all of them.

P.S. If you poke around a bit, I promise you'll find something interesting.