How To Unpack Emotional Baggage

When I first moved to Tokyo, I found myself getting lost quite often. I once tried to locate a Kinko’s store in the heart of the city, but instead spent an hour wondering aimlessly through a maze of unmarked city blocks. Before I left my home, I made sure I wrote down the trio of numbers pinpointing the location of that particular business (5-22-1 Shinjuku). When I got off the train, I tried to use the area maps located near the station, but unlucky for me, they were all in Kanji. After spending five minutes standing mystified in front of the map, I decided to do what any red-blooded American guy would do: "wing it". After about half an hour and as I was walking by the exact spot I'd been just 10 minutes ago, I was thoroughly confused and cursing under my breath.

I was feeling a bit annoyed with myself, but I quelled my anxiety by taking a moment to embrace the scene around me. I thought to myself, “I’m in Japan. For the first time in my life, I’m living in another country.” As I soaked it all in, I glanced at the faces of the people hurriedly walking by me. There was such an embedded calmness in their eyes and an innate serenity in their manner. It was contagious.

My swift change of emotional focus, from frustration to sublime acceptance, exposed past frustrations of mine. Frustrations involving my mother. This came in the form of her boisterous voice which my mind played back to me like I was listening to a CD. It was a distinct, very clear, disheartening, belligerent, frightening, and all too familiar voice. My mother was very hot-tempered and during times of confusion or disbelief would belt out a series of expletives to anyone within earshot.

For a split second, it felt as if she was eerily right behind me. And what disgusted me even more was just moments before, I was unconsciously cursing under breath in the same way. My words and inflections definitely had her signature.

Next, I had an epiphany. I couldn’t imagine that behavior existing in Japan. Furthermore, I couldn’t imagine that attitude helping me on my journey to enlightenment. So, I simply expelled that negative energy into the vastness of the universe.

My ultimate goal is clarity of mind through distillation of temperament. I embrace moments when my mind verbally, visually, or kinesthetically rewinds back to some discrete defining moment in my past. I view reliving these moments as not just a release of anxiety, but as a deeper form of healing that strengthens my emotional well-being.

By clearing my mind of these past disaffections, I’m better able to moderate my train of thought. I’m able to conserve my mental energies and apply them to less primal and more constructive ideas.

What Is Intelligence?

Dictionary.com defines intelligence as:

the ability to comprehend; to understand and profit from experience

Okay. Great. Now that we've taken care of the formalities, here’s my personal definition of intelligence.

I believe most people are born with the potential to be intelligent. At a very young age:

• We have the ability to take in the sensations of the world.
• We have the ability to recognize what we see, taste, touch, feel, and smell.
• We have the ability to relate them to our past experiences.
• We have the ability to store them in our memories.
• We have the ability to reproduce or recall them.
• We also have the ability to control our reaction to them.

This is what I call the Intelligence Cycle. Here’s a solid example:

Say you’re walking by a pastry shop on your way home from work. You smell the aroma as you glance into the store. The mixture of pleasant shock and delight sends your head spinning. For a moment you’re in ecstasy. For just a second you ponder walking into the shop and picking out your favorite delicacy. Then you snap back to reality. Remember your diet. Remember your budget. Remember your time. You promise yourself that you’ll bake a cake this weekend.

At first glance, you might think of it as a sequence. I think of it as a cycle. It’s the cycle of learning. Once you reach the finally step. Once you’re able to control your reactions you want to increase the detail, the frequency, and the intensity of the sensation.

After smelling the pastries in the shop. You might want to compare the smell to your own baking. You might want to find “reasons” to walk by the shop more often. You might want to walk inside to get a better small. All this is the learning cycle. Raising desire through temptation. Embracing your senses. Realizing your intelligence. Making yourself smarter.

On the other hand, you could stop all the fuss and buy one freakin’ doughnut. What would it hurt? It takes very little time, little money, and you’re not on a diet. I know there’s the “little things add up” argument. For example, small but frequent expenses DO add up. But I don’t care about that as much.

I do care about your mind. It’s really quite easy for anyone to short-circuit the intelligence cycle. Impulse buying jumps from step one to step six. It will waste most of your mental potential. It’s a potential that I’m sure will bring a good amount of success and contentment to your life.

Self-Parenting And Dating

Young boys want to marry their mother. Young girls think their father can do no wrong. As a child I also shared the same fantasy. My parents were my idea of perfection. My only ideal. It was easy to love them. How could I not?

Between then and now something happened. My parents only pretended to be perfect. They were afraid and scared, but they never shared their feelings. They were frustrated and angry, but never talked about their dreams. That’s when I knew I had to look inside of myself for answers.

I've had success using basic reasoning skills to answer my own questions. On the flip side, I also have a nasty habit of asking more questions after the first one is answered. Here's one that sticks out in my mind.

Why do I keep dating women like my mother?
The answer is simple: the Oedipus complex.

How do I resolve this issue?
Unfortunately, I needed some assistance for this one. I needed the help of a certain type of woman and I did find her. Over time I actually found about a dozen just like her. These women were as strong, as good-looking, as hyperactive, and as emotionally unstable as my mother. They were oblivious to what I was doing. At the time, I was oblivious to what I was doing. But it is working. I call the technique “Oedipal Vaccination”. It takes a while to kick in. I’ve been using it for about 3 years now.

Here’s some background:
They say there are 3 aspects to a good relationship:

• intimacy
• passion
• commitment

I would say my parents had the commitment, and to some degree the passion but there was no sign of intimacy. Most good marriages have signs of all three, but the levels may vary over the years.

How does it start?
Anyway, along comes a complete stranger who cast from the same mold as my mother. My mind is transported back to when my world was young. I feel invigorated. She reminds me so much of my mother. I look past all the warning signs. I get closer. I've dated woman just like her in the past. This time it’ll be different, right?

What do I do?
I know the strength of desire (passion) and not making empty promises (commitment) can spark a relationship. I hold off on those two and focus on sharing my feelings with her (intimacy). Especially the feelings I have for her. That’s about it. Nothing else.

Why do I do this?
I always found it hard to express my feelings to the ones I care about the most.
So, it’s a way of my rewiring my mind. I want to change my personal definition of closeness from insatiable passion and blind commitment to honest intimacy.

Is it fair to the women I date?
In short, no. I don’t think it is. But I have to do it. It’s what I need to do to grow. The way I see it ,I have three choices:

• Do nothing. I could have stayed at home dreaming about her. However dating is a priority in my life. This is not an option.
• Become her friend (not opening my heart to her). I’ve tried this. It's good for a while. But I usually get bored after a while. The friendship dies off.
• Try my best to woo her. Here’s the thing….My best method of persuasion right now is telling her how I feel. If that’s not good enough, I’ll move on. Besides, I think it’s important for a woman to know how special she is.

This post is not about finding a life-long partner. It’s about what I’ve done to find myself. I want to redefine my life-long idea of perfection. I want my logical and emotional minds to see the same reality.

The bottom line. I live through my beliefs. I respect my feelings more than I respect the feelings of others. The more I realize my feelings, the more realize who I am. The more I realize myself, the more I understand others. That’s what I call the Golden Cycle.

If you’re caught in an endless cycle of failed relationships (I’ve had three), experiment with your dating habits. Shorten the cycle. Look for the warning signs. Not only in other people, but also yourself. Don’t be afraid of missing “The One”. Believe in yourself. Believe that YOU are “The One”. You’ll find “The Future Spouse Of The One” once you find yourself.