Top Ten Things I Learned After 30

This post was first written as a message to a close friend of mine. With a few revisions, it reads as a guide on how to cope with daily life. It's a set of maxims harvested from several media sources, including websites and books. Whenever I read this post, I feel a renewed spirit. So, I figured I should share it with the rest of the blogosphere.

10) In life, there are two paths to success: working hard and being nice.

I enjoy success. I like being successful. But constantly being nice is a real drag. More often than not, I prefer to work really hard. Looking at my career and friendships and how I've invested my efforts to understand myself and to improve the lives of others, diligence has benefited me more so than being polite. In other words, it takes hard work to stay consistent with people, building their trust in me.

9) Organization is key.

Making the effort to schedule, prioritize, and plan for my clients, family, and friends is probably the most mature thing I've ever done. After that, all other tasks (i.e. drawing up lesson plans and running errands) seem to fall into place. Over time, organizing becomes a habit. My thoughts become structured to the point where I'm better able to multi-task and to perform most actions more efficiently and thoughtfully. For example, my conversations run much more smoothly than they did ten years ago.

8) Speak slowly but think quickly

In the past, I had the habit of speaking in a scripted manner where everything I could possibly say had to be rehearsed in my mind beforehand. For example, when arguing a point, I would sometimes keep repeating the same thing over and over again but speak louder and/or faster in hopes this technique would prove me right. Nowadays, I find it easier to listen to someone, think about how I feel about what he/she said, organize what I want to say (how to articulate it), and deliver my response in a timely fashion. I work on this all the time (except for those instances when I've had two or more drinks). It's important to me to listen to others. That way all parties can exchange ideas and learn from each other.

7) The best way to learn is to teach.

To quote from William Glasser:

We Learn . . .
10% of what we read
20% of what we hear
30% of what we see
50% of what we see and hear
70% of what we discuss
80% of what we experience
95% of what we teach others

Here's my theory: Very knowledgeable people, those who stockpile facts in their minds and who spout out information effortlessly are not usually doing it to show off. To them, it's a matter of habit. The more they use these facts in conversation and in writing, the more they'll remember them. So, whenever given the chance, these "smarties" push the conversation to their area of expertise. Which means intelligence is as much a matter of tenacity as it is inherent ability.

6) Persistence is key.

Admittedly, my focus is not always the best; I have a tough time sticking with complicated tasks for any extended period time. Not surprisingly, my focus improves whenever I engage in a cause, person, desire, or principle which I feel is important to me; I become more motivated for a longer period of time. This does wonders for my willingness to perform more mundane tasks (e.g. writing emails). By the way, taking time to share this with you is a good case in point.

5) Caring about others is more rewarding than being cared about.

In whatever relationship, it's great when there is mutual respect and empathy between two people, but I feel that active caring, regardless of reciprocation, is the best way to learn selflessness and humility. This makes it easier for me, in particular, to handle any type of authority, whether it comes from a government, a religion, a person, or even my physiology.

4) Listen to your body.

My body, the one authority I never question, is my primary guide for living in the moment. For example, if my sinuses feel clogged, I'm stressed. Tightness in the chest? I'm really stressed. Sharp ping of shock running through my nervous system? I'm feeling embarrassed. Warm fuzzy feeling in my lower abdominal region? I'm feeling great. In order to prepare for these sensations, some of which make me feel whole and others which tear me apart, I invest time into chronicling any and all perceived inner stimuli, physical or otherwise.

3) Music is what feelings sound like.

Sometimes, when I get emotional, music pops into my head and it doesn't stop until I tie that song to a specific person. Sinatra and Dean Martin belong to my college roommates. The Beatles belong to my little sister. When these songs pop up, I try not to indulge in them, but tie them to a specific person instead. It's a good way of knowing when and why I feel emotional.

2) What annoys me about others, annoys me about myself.

There's no quicker way of figuring out what makes me tick than figuring out what ticks me off. When someone annoys me ( e.g. by being late, unmotivated, apathetic, or disorganized), I flashback to the time when I annoyed myself with that same behavior. When this happens, I first pat myself on the back for being more disciplined now than in the past and then I try to calm down. I don't preclude myself from getting to know the “annoying person” better.

1) People are meant to be understood.

The only person I can judge or fix is myself. Everyone else, I simply try to understand. For, inevitably, there will come a time when a friend or a long-term client does something, I feel, is really dumb or idiosyncratic, something that really gets under my skin. If I'm still confused, after analyzing the circumstantial, psychological, biological, and sociological reasons for their behavior, I throw away my logic, embrace my humanity, and accept the fact that I care about them.

K63NHTXGYR53 

How I Conquer Fear

They say fear is a primal,defensive reaction to the external forces around us. Here's how dealingwithfear explains it.

We have many fears-fear of terrorism, fear of death, fear of being separated from people we love, fear of losing control, fear of commitment, fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of losing our job, the list is never-ending! Many of our present fears are rooted in what Buddha identified as "delusions" - distorted ways of looking at ourselves and the world around us. If we learn to control our mind, and reduce and eventually eliminate these delusions, the source of all our fear-healthy and unhealthy-is eradicated.

I’ve always made it a point in my life to see fear for what it truly is and conquer it.

For instance, when I was a child, I was always scared of making a fool of myself in public. I was afraid of being singled me out and being labeled as different. I found myself becoming very reclusive. This I didn’t want. So, I decided to take action! Here’s how I fought my fear:

• I took drama classes in high school and college.
• After graduating college, I performed as a dancer, actor, singer musicals throughout NYC and NJ
• I moved to a city of my choosing, San Diego, without knowing anyone.
• I moved to a foreign country,Japan, without knowing the language.
  
• I became an ESL teacher

However, it’s only now that I’m realizing my deepest fear: fear of the unknown.

Now more than ever, I’m speaking my mind. Taking chances. Loving others. Learning things on my own.

With initiative, there comes risk. With risk, there’s bound to be mistakes. And I’ve made plenty of mistakes. Especially in front of others. Too many to speak of. It’s my fear that each smirk or frown that I see will lead to some form of retribution or rejection. I’m afraid of what others might do to me. I’m afraid of what goes on in the their minds. This is unknown to me.

The only remedy for fear that I’ve found works every time is love. So, whenever I come across a situation that petrifies me to the core, I take action. I face the problem head on. I think of how love fits into situation.

Next, I act as an ambassador of love. I try to put myself in the shoes of others and I try giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. This usually works.

Fear is the absence of love.

The Balance Of Love

Imagine the situation:

You’ve just arrived home from work. Much later than you had hoped. You walk into your bedroom and see your spouse lying in bed fast asleep. After getting ready for bed, you lean over to give your loved one a kiss. A little something to make up for the hours not spent together. She wakes up, turns over and smiles. You exchange small talk about the day. Then, out of nowhere “the thing” is mentioned. You always try to avoid talking about "the thing". “The thing” is what you hate talking about. “The thing” is what makes your relationship really complicated. You’re too exhausted to talk about “the thing”. What started off as a small kiss on the cheek turns into an emotional battle of wits.

What is “The Thing”?
In the story above, “the thing” is definitely something that makes your lover very unhappy with you. It could be anything. Not returning a phone call. Breaking a promise. Spending too much time at work. Showing up late.

Deep down inside you know talking about “the thing” is necessary. You're glad that someone cares about you enough to argue with you. She does it because she loves you.

What is “The Beast”?
It’s a symbol of love. Just like a peck on the cheek. Just like saying “sweetie.” But it's love wrapped in a different package. A more sinister one. It may even take the form of anger and/or frustration.

There is a balance to showing a loved one how much you care about them. The passion of love is made up of both hate and love. The more love you experience; the more hate there can be. The more hate there is; the greater the love.

Let me apply that thought to the purposes of this blog: self-actualization. Self love is my goal. I know in order to love myself I must find that which makes me happy. When I started out 3 years ago, I didn’t know what I loved. Now I know better. How? I didn’t find it out by asking myself about my loves. I did it by asking myself about my hates. Life is as much about looking for “the beast” as much as it is looking for “the beauty”.

When I was in high school, I was scared to death of talking to others. I was fine talking to a person one-on-one, but didn’t fair so well in a group. So, I decided to take a theater class. I forced myself to speak in front of a large group of people.

I did something that I originally hated to do. But now, I’m totally fine with performing in front of hundreds of people. A small group of 4 people….hmmm…..that’s a different story.

Do what you hate. Then do what you love.